Reasons
by Selenity Jade
Summary: Complete. Buffy confides in Willow about how she feels about Angel, and the first three seasons.


Reasons  
Rated: PG  
  
Disclaimer: Duh. I don't own BtVS. ^_^  
  
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)  
Thanks: Lynz for Beta'ing! *HUGS*  
  
"Come on! We're going to be late!" the redhead yelled up the stairs. When she didn't hear an answer, she sighed. "Buffy, come *on*!"  
  
"I'm coming, Will!" a disembodied voice answered from the second floor.  
  
Willow frowned slightly up the stairs before shaking her head ruefully. She then tapped her foot as she waited for her tardy friend. Her patience was soon rewarded as Buffy hurled herself down the stairs with almost unnatural speed and grace. The small blonde then stopped abruptly in front of Willow with an apologetic smile.  
  
"I'm sorry, Will. I couldn't decide what to wear," Buffy told her friend, motioning down to her black and white ensemble. "So I picked this."  
  
"Looks great," Willow commented immediately, speaking the truth. No matter what Buffy wore, it always looked good. She was frequently jealous of her friend because of it, and the attention the blonde received effortlessly. She knew that Buffy didn't do it on purpose, but it didn't stop her from feeling that way. Then again, she wouldn't take Buffy's place for anything. She didn't want to be the Slayer.  
  
"You look yummy, too," Buffy stated with a grin, noticing Willow's choice of a fairly short skirt – for Willow, anyway – and a slightly on the tight side blouse. It wasn't often the apprentice witch dressed in anything that showed her skin.  
  
Buffy opened the front door, stepping outside into the cool night air. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, the sweet scent of lilacs filling her nose. Her neighbor had an obsession with the little lavender flowers, and insisted on having his yard edged in them. She didn't mind; they were soothing. She didn't often feel soothed, so it was a welcomed addiction.  
  
Entwining their arms, both teenage girls started walking in the direction of the Bronze. Willow had mentioned earlier in the day that a night out would do Buffy some good, and, as a result, the entire gang began planning a night to the Bronze.  
  
"Willow?" Buffy ventured suddenly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Will it end? The Slaying, I mean. You know, the whole saving the world, fighting the forces of Hell, everything. Will I ever be able to have a normal life?" Buffy asked softly, glancing over at her shy friend. She was tired of all the fighting, the battles that never seemed to end, the constant late night patrols, the killing, the violence, and most of all, losing people she loved. She had once lost everything that was important to her, all in the name of 'Saving the World'.   
  
She was weary of it all, emotionally drained. She had sacrificed so much for her destiny that she had long ago wanted to give up. She had, in fact, tried to give it all up when she had first moved from LA. Unfortunately, her mother had decided to move to the one place worse than Los Angeles in vampire activity: Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth.  
  
"I don't know, Buffy," Willow began after a long, thoughtful pause. "Maybe you aren't meant to have a normal life. Maybe it will actually end up worth it. Someday, maybe all the saving the world stuff will add up, and those powers that make Slayers will say, 'Hey, she did well. Let's give her a break.' And maybe it will all be worth it then, and you'll be happy. But you're a hero, Buffy. And although no one in town knows what you sacrifice for them every day, you still do it. I refuse to believe that Fate is cruel enough to make you miserable. I think that karma may add up, or something…" Willow trailed off, worriedly glancing over at her troubled companion.  
  
"I don't think so, Will. Fate, Destiny, karma, whatever you want to call it, seems to have an interesting sense of humor. Maybe the powers delight in seeing me stumble my way through this life. Maybe they find it all some big joke that I keep screwing up in my attempts at a semi-normal life, despite the slaying. Because that's all I've ever done since I was chosen. Fail." The Slayer turned her eyes downward to watch her tiny feet walk along the smooth sidewalk for a long moment, before finally looking up into her friend's concerned eyes.  
  
"The only time I thought that being the Slayer wasn't so bad… was when I was with Angel."  
  
Willow nodded, smiling sympathetically. The redhead had always known about Buffy's hard time getting over him. Although Buffy rarely spoke of it to anyone, Willow knew her well enough to read the small signs whenever the Slayer would think of him. She could only imagine how hard it was for Buffy.  
  
"But… even then, I was being laughed at. My first love, my first lover was a 240-year-old vampire with a soul and a clause." The small Slayer sighed, shaking her head. "Before we knew about the clause, though…" She gave Willow a small smile, tinged with sadness.   
  
"I was happy… and being the Slayer was a job I actually didn't mind much. I was making Sunnydale safer, doing something important, saving the world, and I was doing it with the man I loved."  
  
Buffy stared up into the night sky for a long moment, noticing how the faint stars seemed to twinkle at her mockingly, although she knew that it was only her imagination. Even with the darkness in the world, there was always light.  
  
"I was tired of being the Slayer by the time I moved here. All I wanted was a normal life, with normal problems. I wanted to go on dates, go out to the movies without worrying if the guy behind me was a vamp. I didn't want to worry about being kicked out of school for fighting. I didn't want to cover up mysterious deaths, disappearances, and phenomenon. I wanted to quit.  
  
"When I met Angel, I felt something. I looked into his eyes as he lay on the ground below me, and I felt my heart twist. He was… angelic. His name definitely fit, although I didn't know it then. And with his appearance, I was thrown back into being the Slayer. Well, with the appearance of Giles earlier that day. Either way, he was part of the life I didn't want at the time. He warned me of the rising trouble in Sunnydale, tossed me a box with a silver cross in it, and then…vanished. That was to be our pattern for a while. He showed up, warned me with cryptic information, and then poof, gone again."  
  
Buffy sighed softly. "Then something changed. Angel saved me from the Three, and we sought refuge in my house from them. When we first kissed… I wanted to die. It was, in a word, amazing. Then when he vamped on me, I just freaked. I screamed. I couldn't help myself, the man I had been crushing on for a while was really a vampire, a monster that I, as the Slayer, am destined to destroy. Talk about ironic.  
  
"Even then, I tried to put it all in perspective. Slayers kill vampires, and vampires kill Slayers. Mortal enemies. Angel was a bad guy." Buffy paused. "But I couldn't. I kept seeing that beautiful face of his, and couldn't classify him as 'bad'. I didn't want to hurt him. I… loved him, even then. A Slayer and a vampire in love. Completely impossible, but there it was."  
  
Buffy looked back into Willow's compassionate gaze. "Then he attacked my mother. Or, well, I thought he had. Anyway, I went hunting for him. He and I fought, and although I said that I had to kill him, I realized as soon as I saw his face that I couldn't. I knew I wouldn't be able to kill him. I knew that if it came down to it, I would probably be killed. I couldn't do it. I could not dust the man I loved. I was prepared to fight him, yes. But kill him? No.  
  
"I was prepared for anything, even my own death. But in the end, all my worrying proved to be pointless. He couldn't kill me either. Then he killed his sire for me. I don't know how that felt, but I was more than a little surprised and a lot flattered. But I was confused too.  
  
"It didn't matter though, because we both knew that it had to end. The attraction, the feelings, all of it, had to be stopped before they got out of control. He was a *vampire* and 240-years-old while I was a sixteen-year-old Slayer.  
  
"My destiny sucks, you know. Angel and I tried to walk away from it at the Bronze that night. One kiss was supposed to be goodbye… forever."   
  
Buffy laughed softly, shaking her head. "Obviously, you know it didn't work. We started patrolling together and they turned into make-out sessions. We were together, damning the consequences. And for the first time since I became the Slayer, I was happy. I didn't mind the Slaying then. I was fighting *with* someone. Someone I loved very much. It made it all seem… perfect."  
  
Closing her eyes, Buffy sighed inaudibly. "It's the most wonderful feeling, Will. Fighting with someone you love. Someone who can take care of himself, who I didn't have to worry that he will get himself killed by trying something stupid. He had strength and speed, just like me. Together, he and I were strong."  
  
Buffy quickly wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "Remember my seventeenth birthday? How I decided that we should 'seize the day'? I admit now that perhaps it was a bit rash… But I loved him. There was nothing wrong with wanting to be…truly *with* someone. But my thoughtless actions caused me to lose him…  
  
"A new enemy arose, which I created. Angelus. He had my boyfriend's face, his voice, his smell, even his memories, everything. Except that Angelus was bent on making my life a living hell. I had thought my life was bad before, and I was so very wrong. I had a man that looked like the one I loved seek to destroy everything I held dear, everything that was me, to get to me, and it was agony. I wanted to give up so many times and just let him kill me. Let the world go to Hell, I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be swallowed up and for the pain to just end."  
  
Buffy swallowed, hesitating a moment before she continued. "But somehow, I kept fighting him. I kept going. Why? I'm the Slayer, and it was my duty. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done up until that point."  
  
Tears began to trail freely down her face. "When I was fighting Angelus to stop Acathla, it had become almost easy to do. I had shut down awhile before that fight. I just stopped feeling. All I wanted at that point was for it to stop. His death or mine, it didn't matter by that time."   
  
Sighing softly, she glanced at Willow. "I was prepared to send Angelus to Hell after having won a nice little sword fight with him. So, you can imagine my shock and horror when Angelus was suddenly replaced by Angel. A confused, pained and fuzzy Angel, but *my* Angel nonetheless.  
  
"He didn't remember a thing after that night on my birthday. Nothing. All he saw was me. The trust in his eyes for me, despite the pain and bewilderment was almost my undoing. But I kissed him… for the last time, I had thought," she told her friend, her voice cracking slightly.  
  
"I saw the vortex opening from Acathla's mouth… and I knew what I had to do to stop it. Looking back on it now, I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I was able to tell my beloved to close his eyes, how I was able to kiss him again just as I shoved the sword into him."  
  
Buffy shivered unconsciously. "But I did it. I sent the man I loved to Hell. To suffer countless years in unimaginable agony. And I did it to save the world. Again. I cried as I did it, and I wished with all my soul that I could have taken his place… but I still did it. He must have thought that I betrayed him. And I did."  
  
Buffy paused, attempting to get some sort of control over the tears that threatened to choke her. "I made a vow then. I will never sacrifice any one I love again. Not even to save the world. I will find another way. And if I don't, I don't care. I don't care if the world *ends*, I will never sacrifice anyone again."  
  
"Buffy…" Willow didn't want to interrupt, though. She knew that this was something that Buffy needed to talk about, to get out.  
  
"When he came back from Hell, I felt him. I thought I had finally lost my mind. I felt Angel again. Later, I found out that he really was back. Only he wasn't quite the same. He was almost like a wild animal; he was that frightened of everything. It was understandable… I did send him to Hell. He suffered an eternity of torture there. No man or vampire could have survived that sane."  
  
The Slayer started walking again. "He returned to me, even then. He returned to the man I loved. I found a new pain then, though. The pain that came with being 'just' friends. Spike was right when he said that we couldn't do it, although I wouldn't have said it as…crudely as the bleached freak did. Angel and I will never be 'just' friends. There is too much passion, too many emotions, too much between us to ever be friends. But we did try. I suppose we get points for that. We tried to be just friends. In the end, we failed… again. Then we thought that maybe we could go halfway. Be a couple, but not…fully. Yet, it still hurt. To know we had to be careful. We had been so complete at one time, and then we had to hold off, forever? It wouldn't have worked. But we tried. God, Will. How much I loved him… and I couldn't be with him."  
  
"I know, Buffy. I know," Willow murmured.  
  
"Then he decided to leave Sunnydale. To leave me. That just added to what was already hurting. Angel and I made me extraordinarily happy… but at the same time, it was nothing but pain. Not because of anything we ourselves did, but because of the circumstances of what we were. So, he decided to leave me by going to Los Angeles. He wants me to have a normal life, he said. You know how laughable that is? I will never have a normal life. I am the Slayer. Slayers die young. We were never made to have a normal life.  
  
He left me to just exist. I haven't been happy since him. Not for a long time. Riley… is safe. He was supposed to be, anyway. The safe, predictable, boy next-door type. Someone I could feel safe giving my heart to. I supposed I cared and maybe even loved him in a way, but it will never compare to the way I felt about Angel. I don't think anyone could make me feel that way again. The man that made me the happiest…and the most miserable lives only a few hours away, and I think of him every day, Willow."  
  
Buffy paused just outside the Bronze entrance, staring up at the large sign. "What if I can't love anyone that way again? What if… I can't ever be happy again? I'm afraid that without him, I'm nothing."  
  
"Buffy, you are *not* nothing. You are my best friend-"  
  
"Will, that's not what I meant… I just meant… Will I always feel like I'm missing some part of myself?"  
  
Willow silently hugged her friend's shoulders as they walked into the Bronze. She didn't understand everything that Buffy was feeling, but she did sympathize and care.   
  
Maybe it would be enough for now.  
  
~~~  
  
AN: This is the rewritten version, which isn't as great as I would *like* it to be, but it's better than it was before at least. ^_^ My newer stuff does tend to be better, better storylines, etc. Anyway, just a short little piece I did when I was trying to see Buffy's point of view on things.  
  
Lovies! 


End file.
